Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
