It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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