i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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