if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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