Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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