I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
