not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Send help, water and tortillas.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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