I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
