if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
