you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
