So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
