i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
