i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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