Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
