I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
