here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
