Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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