I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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