Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
