Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
