pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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