new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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