Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
