I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
