I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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