You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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