Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
