Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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