Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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