I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
