Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
