I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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