Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
