2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
