dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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