I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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