i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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