Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
