I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I need moral support for this bender
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Randomize
