Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Girls should come with a carfax report
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
