I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He's a Shit stain on my heart
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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