I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
