The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
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