there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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