Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
