3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
