I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
