I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
