well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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