i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
