just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
