I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
