No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
