Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
