bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
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He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
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I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You are a genius and a whore.
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