how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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