butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
