Michael Bay diarrhea
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Randomize
